I need to get out of my head for a while.

I think my big issue lately has been that I've been stuck in my head, and just letting the thoughts wreak havoc on my life. I told Todd this weekend that its like theres a huge tennis match in there. You know the kind where you watch the audience, and their heads are going back and fourth across the net, watching the ball? Yep. that's how the thoughts seem to play out in my head. A vicious cycle of back and fourth, watching each side of the thought toss it back and fourth.

It just really feels like there's been so much to think about lately. And I, being the eternal pessimist, have to think about every side of the issue, and of course, re think about it. It sucks. I'm not sleeping well, I've got knots in my stomach constantly, and I have this overwhelming urge to have answers NOW. I know the answers aren't able to be there, and that of course just fuels the fire.


The house stuff. . .This seems to be where a majority of my issues are stemming from right now. There have been talks of whats going to go on, and I don't know that I really agree with it, but I really feel like I don't have a choice. Like I'm on the outside looking in. The one in the movies who would be behind the glass pointing at the big elephant in the room that no one can seem to see. But we're out of options. And I'm out of fight. I feel like my opinion hasn't been heard up until now, and We're past the point of anyone caring. All I can do is sit back, watch wait, and pray. Pray and hope that somewhere among all this is an answer for above. One that points us in the right direction, and that through it all I will get a peace, peace knowing its in his plans.

The next issue is very closely related to the house stuff. Its money. Money is part of the reason that all this house crap is happening. We were doing ok financially while I was doing day are for Todd's boss. And then she blind sided us and we lost that income of 600 a month. Of course, this after she guaranteed us the money, and we made a few financial decisions based on the money. Now, we're hurting. And money being the root of all evil, puts so much extra stress on your family. I hope that answers for this will be all wrapped up in the house stuff too. Hopefully if everything can work itself out I'll be able to get a licensed day care going out of home, and we'll get that extra income we need to get our heads above water.


The other stress playing out in my head has been family and friend issues. The family issues being some family members that are really being pains. They are pointing fingers at everyone in the family, saying its every ones fault but their own that they can't seem to come up for some family functions, and that they're "feeling like outcasts". I tend to feel the pressure on these ones because I'm the one who's been doing so much at trying to get the family back together. I've been the one to organize, and get going the last FOUR family get togethers. I've been the one to host them down at Todd's work in the club house. And to hear whining and complaining about it, I'm just. . . .well, as of now, I'm just over it. I've come to the conclusion that i can't let them get to me. I'm trying. I'm doing my best to get this family back on track, and back to where it was 10 years ago when my grandfather passed away. I'm doing it all for my Grandma, in hopes that this might provide some much needed healing that is way over due for her.

And of course the other part of that is the friend thing. Or really, the lack there of. I seem to go through these cycles where it really bothers me, and then I just get over it. And now, I'm in one of those where it really bothers me. I'm SO sick of not having any friends here. And I know it becomes ever more apparent when I'm stressed and could just really use a friend to lean on, a friend to just be here for me. I've been getting closer with my sister in law. And its wonderful. I think it could be the start of an awesome friendship. . .but the trouble it, it really only seems like its there when I pursue it. And thats hard. She does call every now and then to try to do something. But alot of it falls on me. If I don't pursue it, its really not there. I'm so frustrated by friendships like that. It seems like they have been that way my entire life. My friend from high school sent me a card this last week. And its what sparked this friend rut. It was a card, just in general, letting me know she's thinking of me. Its the first time i've heard from her since i went to her dad's funeral last fall. I've emailed, I've myspaced, I've tried to keep in touch, but nothing. And getting this card was kind of a slap in the face. I love her dearly, and i will always consider her one of my closest friends. But this card really showed me just how different our lives are now. She doesn't have kids and can only relate to what I'm going through if it reminds her of what its like for her with her puppy. I know that as we age, we all kind of go our separate ways, and that a huge part of my friend thing is that I married young, and had kids young. But i didn't expect to be standing here at 26, with four kids, a husband, and zero friends around me. No one that I could take a break from the kids with, just to go out to a movie "just the girls".
I do have Internet friends. And I know that I can always turn on the computer and have people that are just a click away that care. But sometimes it really isn't the same. Long distance friendships are really hard. Plain and simple.


And of course we throw on the pile the kids. And the potty training. I don't know if its because of all the extra stress I've had here lately, or what. But the potty training thing is really frustrating me. The twins seem to do really well during the week. When its just them and I. but the SECOND you change that up, or put anything different in the schedule, they're back to accident on top of accident, and lots of extra clothes to wash. Why can't potty training be simple? I think as parents we have enough struggles to deal with with raising kids! I vote that potty training should all be EASY! Plain and simple.


Sorry for the pity post. I just needed to get that out of my head in hopes that I might be able to accomplish something this afternoon. . .we'll see! If you made it through the entire thing, thank you very much!!!!