Dear diary. . .

Ok, I realize I'm not a 13 year old girl who can write everything down in her little diary, close the cover, lock it with a key (oh, you know you HAD to lock it, or evil little brothers would get into it and spill your secrets to the world!!!) put it under your pillow, and know that when you woke up in the morning all your dreams would come true, because you wrote them in there. It sure would be nice if it worked that way though! I'd be a writing FOOL, making a bunch of things happen!!!

I am thankful to have this place though, to come and spew all my thoughts onto. I'm sorry if I've sounded really down lately. I realize that it can't be much fun to read a blog that's all down and dumpy. I've just had a lot I've needed to get off my chest, and I really think its helped. I love writing, and writing has ALWAYS been a way for me to clear my mind and organize my thoughts some. So, I apologize for the down posts, and I will try to liven things up here soon!!! I promise! That being said, I do have some stuff I want to think out, sort out, or just get out in writing in general. I'm hoping that by putting things down to see, and look back on, that maybe in some small way it will give me a better handle on the situation, and what I should do.

I got a call from the school yesterday. And after a few bad experiences with a certain reading teacher of Dallas's this year I cringe every time the phone rings, and the caller id reads the schools name. Because there are only two things that it ever is. It is either the nurse calling to tell me that one of my kids is sick, and could I please come up and get them. Or its a teacher using some of their free time to call and talk to me about something that's going on. When its Gabe's teacher, I typically don't have to worry. She was Dallas's teacher last year, and we adore her. She usually calls to tell me ahead of time about a field trip coming up because she wants me to chaperone with them! But when it isn't her, it usually means that its concerning Dallas. And this year just hasn't been the best for him.

Yesterday's call was to inform me that his teacher was sending him to stop and learn again. In their school, stop and learn is kind of like an in school suspension. Kind of. Because the kids are only there the length of time that the stop and learn teacher deems appropriate. If they go there, listen, and behave, they can go back to class in a short amount of time. But its still a white slip. Still a write up. In order to go to stop and learn you have to have your name on the board, and 2 checks. Its essentially a three strikes and you're out. And Dallas had had his three strikes. Most the teachers call the parent if they're sending the child to stop and learn, just to touch base with them, and let them know WHY they're sending the student. And that's what my call was. It was from his primary teacher letting me know that Dallas had three strikes, and he was going. It was also to let me know that he was very upset about having to go. He had had a stop and learn trip just a few weeks prior, and he was told that if he had to go again, he would be in VERY big trouble. (we didn't know what that big trouble WAS mind you, but I'll get there in a minute!) We had a brief conversation about why he was going. Apparently he's needed CONSTANT redirection, CONSTANT reminders, and CONSTANT behavior modification, and it had just reached the point where he'd hit the end, and with all the other kids seeing him getting all this extra attention, he needed to be removed from the situation. Ok, I trust her judgement. She's a very level headed teacher, and gives the kids the benefit of the doubt more times than not because she realizes that THEIR KIDS!!!

I hung up the phone with her, and called Todd immediately. Half pissed, half chuckling. Here we were, faced with having to parent our child who was promised "BIG TROUBLE" if he went back again any time soon, and we had NO idea what that big trouble was! It was totally a calling our bluff moment! So we brain stormed, and came up with him having to write a letter to his teacher, not being able to go outside to play with the kids that night, and no special dessert (remember the cupcakes I mentioned yesterday? They were purchased before this all went down, and he was going to have to miss out on them.) That might not sound like "big trouble" to some. But for Dallas, it was pure torture. Dallas HATES handwriting. HATES it. He has very poor motor skills in his hands. . . this is something that s becoming more and more evident. We work with him on it, but he HATES it. So, when told after school what his punishment was, and that he'd be writing the letter, and it had to be PERFECT, he cried. (I'll get to that part in a second though!) While Todd and I were on the phone we decided that it was time. . . time to make the call to the doctors office, and start the process of having him tested for ADD. We don't think its an ADHD situation, just simply an ADD. We've had our suspicions for quite some time now. And we decided we needed to call, and talk to the doctors about it. I set up an appointment for him for May 12th, and was told that I needed to come in and get a packet of information to fill out. Ok, I can do that.

After school, I talked to Dallas's teacher. I mentioned to her that we were going to be speaking to the doctor, and that there was a good chance that there would be some papers for her to fill out regarding his behavior in her class, and what she sees at school when he's not with mom and dad. She totally understood, and thought that after I mentioned it there are very many symptoms in Dallas that would point to ADD. She and I worked out a small plan for the in between, knowing that there may be something bigger going on with Dallas. I give her credit, because the plan she came up with basically included more patients on her part. And more understanding on the part of the students. I am more than happy with what she came up with. Its just a temporary plan, seeing if we can help Dallas get through the rest of this school year, and hopefully we can get some more answers.

Now, I want to explain a few things. Especially after some surprising reactions I received from family, and friends yesterday. Everyone assumes that we're rushing, or pushing, or hurrying, or trying to give Dallas a 'label' just to explain away his behavior. We're not. We've actually been sitting back, watching, and waiting, and observing Dallas. We're his parents. We know him inside and out. And he's an amazing kid. He's caring, compassionate, loving, and a HUGE help with his younger brothers, and sister. He's very social, he loves people, he loves to talk, and he has more ideas in his head than most adults double MY age. We love him for who he is, and how he is. But we feel as his parents, we NEED to take this next step to see what may be going on with Dallas. We are also taking into account the fact that he's had a lot of stress, and pressure put on him in the last several months. He's been AMAZING dealing with the patch at school. He lets most everything go, and just lets people know that he's doing what he has to do to get better. But we know it can weigh on him. We know it isn't easy being a little different from peers. We know it isn't easy to have this big patch on your face. We know it has been a real struggle for him to get this eye stronger, and ready for the surgery. And lets not forget the fact that he's TERRIFIED of the surgery. We know that at home he's acted out some in regards to the upcoming event, and we know it is an ever present thought on his mind. We know he's a boy, and sometimes boys act out. They hold their emotions in, and let them show through acting out.

Trust me, the LAST thing we want is for a doctor to tell us "your son has ADD". Because we know how much that can effect with him in school. We know it wouldn't be easy, and we know it won't mean the end of our troubles with Dallas. But really, what kind of mom would I be if I ignored it. If I acted like it was just him being Dallas, just acting like a little boy that talks alot, and really struggles in school? I think as a parent it is my job to do everything I can to try to help my children. I think that I need to give them every opportunity to have the best life possible, even if that means that we hear some things we don't want to hear, whether from doctors, or family, or strangers on the street. We're not labeling Dallas. We're not jumping to conclusions. We're simply going to the doctor to see whats going on. And I realize that we will hopefully have more answers after June, after the surgery is done, and we're moving forward. Maybe that's all this is. Maybe what we've seen for the last 2 years is just the full extent of how hard the cataract is making day to day life for him. Maybe.

I'm just shocked, and in some cases hurt by how some people close to us have reacted. Todds boss for example. She's become a family friend. Her daughter and the twins are super good friends. Todd mentioned to her what was going on, because I talked to him about it while he was at work. And her reaction was all about how she doesn't believe in ADD, and its just Dallas, and how he is, and we need to do more about trying to find "outlets" for him, and find what works. Ummm. . .. I'm sorry, but I KNOW ADD exsists. I grew up surrounded by it. All my cousins had it but two. I watched the living hell two of my male cousins grew up in with all the extra energy they had, watched them struggle with school work, etc. Todd and I are on the same page with this one. We both fully believe it exsists, and that it can be a real problem.

I know many can read this, and say many different things. But the truth is, I'm just a mom, trying to help my son with whatever he may need help with. For us, this appointment with the doctor is no different than taking him in to see if he has an ear infection. Its JUST a doctors appointment. We're not putting any great weight on it, and we're not expecting any immediate answers. We don't want immediate answers. We just want to speak with someone who is a professional in their field. Someone who may be able to help us shed a little light into the mind of Dallas.


Dallas came home last night, and after 7 attempts, got a letter of apology written to his teacher. We hit the wall of tears at one point, and I sent him out the door to go run once around the yard. He hates running but I was hoping it would help to clear his head, and get him back on the right track. It seemed to do the trick. That was between his 6th and 7th tries, and he got it done. He was also rather upset about missing out on the cupcakes, but I hope that it makes him realize that he can't just get in that kind of trouble in school, and have it be peachy keen here on the home front.

Today Dallas took to school with him a stack of things for his teacher. The apology letter from himself, a letter from me explaining the forms that I needed the teachers to fill out, the white slip that Dallas got that needed to be signed by me and returned, and of course, the forms for his regular teacher, his reading teacher, and his Spanish teacher to fill out on his day to day performance in school. I'm hoping that today is a much better day for him. But you never can tell. The last time he had a HORRIBLE day after the stop and learn room, mostly because he was beating himself up over what had happened.

Sigh. . . maybe I need to get HIM the diary. Maybe if he can write things out and get them onto paper it will help him? But I have a feeling that he'll be more like his dad, and that his answers will come more from picking up a musical instrument, and getting lost in the sounds.

He's my son, and I love him more than words can ever express.