When you have a sudden realization about yourself.

Hmm. I guess that title can be a bit misleading. I haven't had any Earth shattering discoveries about myself, I haven't had any new break throughs of any kind, I've just had a few realizations about myself that have kind of caught me a touch off guard. And of course, I just had to share my new insight with all the wonderful people of the internet world!!!! :-)


1. My name:

I bet you're wondering what realization I could have had about my name right? This is one that actually really caught me off guard. In the last couple of weeks, I've been around more adults than I normally am. Mostly due to the fact that we've been on vacation, we've had people here helping, we've been out and about, etc. And what's one thing about being around adults more than usual that would catch me off guard? They use my name. And after hearing it a lot last weekend, it kind of weirded me out. I'm not used to being called Jamie I guess. I've been just plain old "mommy" for the last 7 years that over use of my name just kinda weirds me out. I realize that this is something that I'll have to get past before I ever dare to venture back into any form of the working world, but just hearing it makes me do a double take. And its mostly when there are people who address you very specifically when they're talking. You know the ones I mean. It can be just you and your closest friend talking, so need for formalities, and they use your name to start off each sentence. For example. Jamie, I don't know what to do about this. And the next sentence is the same. Is this a bad sign? Maybe that I'm losing a lot of me in my mommy-hood-ness? I'm falling farther and farther from the land of adult, and farther and farther into the abyss of the stay at home mom? I used to be such a social person. And now just the mention of my name, my given name, weirds me out. Todd and I don't usually bother with formal names either. He usually calls me Jame, or honey, or something along those lines. And I've noticed it in emails too. Something about my name, and being used a certain way, and in a certain tone just seems odd to me. I don't feel like Jamie. I feel like Mommy. Its also a very strange thing to admit. I never thought I'd be one to completely lose me in the task of raising my children. I thought I'd be able to juggle it all, and make it though on the other side knowing what I like and what I dislike, knowing what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to veer away from, and I certainly expected to be able to be called Jamie without shuddering.


2. Celebrity twins popping up all over kind of bothers me:

As I was catching a "breaking news" on my home page the other day about Lisa Marie Presley having twins I caught myself thinking negative thoughts. Not towards her, or her children. Or to any other celebs who have multiples. I was just more frustrated that it seems that having twins is becoming a "fad". Its becoming the latest trend in Hollywood. Before you know it everyone is going to be trying their darndest to have twins because its what's cool, and because its what their favorite celeb had. I realize that that thinking is a bit harsh. I know everyone isn't going to rush right out to their local doctor and request IVF with 6 embryo's implanted just to hope for twins. But I feel more that more people WILL try to do what they can to have multiples. And I think the reason this one bothers me so much is that for the first time since my twins were born I'm realizing what a special thing it is to have twins. I never really considered myself a "twin mommy" until I stumbled into the world of blogger and began reading the life and stories of so many other multiples mommies. I always just considered myself a mommy of four. Part of that is how close in age Dallas and Gabe are. I'm pretty sure they desensitized me to the thought of twins. Since raising them was very much like raising two different sized twins. I don't know. I read on a different website today about the Brangelina twins. And how it harbored some hard feelings at first, because they have everything, and now they have twins. Its kinda true. Here I was, just hoping upon hope to beat the secondary infertility and get pregnant with ONE baby, and I was blessed with two. And it was a HUGE blessing for us, because I COULDN'T do another pregnancy without major risk, and I KNEW I wanted four kids. For me it was a huge gift from God. That's not to say that their children aren't a gift from God, or that they weren't wanted. I know that's not the case. But here I am, a simple stay at home mommy with something super special. These twins that not everyone can say they have. I feel like they're kind of taking the "special" out of it. Because if a celebrity can do it, than anyone can right?

3. I've been skimming by for quite some time now:

This one is probably one of the hardest ones for me to talk about. Because it deals with money, and my ability to provide the kind of life I want to provide for my children. We're barely making ends meet. And this is a super scary thing for me. I've never wanted to have my children go without, or lack anything in their childhood that I'd love for them to experience, simply because I couldn't afford it. I know I'm not the first person to be in this spot, and I know I won't be the last, but the last 8 years of this presidency have hit us hard. We did really well before Mr. Bush became president. And ever since then it just seems that around us the rich keep getting richer, and the poor keep getting poorer. I'm very much looking forward to some change, and a chance to provide a better life for my children. I know we're doing what we can, and that my children aren't needing for anything of the necessities. And for that I'm very thankful. But its still hard to know that there are some things that I always told myself I'd do for my children, that I can't, because I can't afford it. Like sports, and extra curriculars. We just don't have the spare. A fun vacation in the summer where we could make memories and share some of our wonderful country's sites with them. We just can't, its too expensive. Its my goal though. Someday I want to be able to provide them with the extras that every kid should get the opportunity to try.