With one word our lives changed forever

Its been a really, really long time since I've posted.  Life's been crazy to say the least.   It seems like I hardly have time to think, let alone sit down at the computer and get those thoughts out.  But there's one thing that's been eating at me lately, and I thought it due time to get it out.  The day that changed our lives forever.

That day was May 25, 2011.   And looking back on it now, I can realize what a huge impact this day would have on our lives.   At the time, however, I saw it as something that would lift weight from our shoulders, and would give us answers to questions we'd been asking.   May 25 was the day that we were told our second born son, Gabriel, had Aspergers.

It's so strange for me to look back on Gabe's life thus far.   Because when I look back I don't have memories of "wow, something is different about Gabe."  Or "something is off."   I simply have memories like this picture:
Its Gabe at about 18 months old, with his "Niy".    Its his beloved stuffed donkey that my grandma brought back from The Grand Canyon for him.   He was sick when she brought it back, and he fell instantly in love.   This is probably my all time favorite picture of Gabe.   And when I look at this picture, I see my sweet, innocent little boy, with his fresh scar above his right eye brow from the stitched he'd had.  I see my sweet, innocent little boy, who had already been through a world of medical things I would have never imagined we'd be faced with.   By the time this picture was taken, he could swallow pills.   How do I know this?  Because by 18 months he'd already been on seizure meds for six months for complex partial seizures.    What amazes me even more about all that?   I never would have put all of this together and come out in the end with Aspergers.  Ever.

People had been telling me for a while that there may be something bigger going on with Gabe.   I was in total denial.   Total.   Sure, my 8 year old was still soiling himself...  but the doctors told me that all started as a side effect of the constipation from the seizure meds.   I didn't consider the fact that he hadn't been on seizure meds since before he was 5 against him.   The doctors told me he had super colon from all the constipation.  So to me that answered the question right there.   I had his first grade teacher tell me that he wouldn't really be paying attention in class, and that he'd be looking out the window, or off in his own world and she'd try to "catch him on it."  But he could still give her the correct answer, so she wasn't concerned.   So I went with it, and let my mama bear instincts cloud my vision.   He was still, and will forever be my perfect little boy.   The same one I had big hopes and dreams for since the day he was born.   He was my 6 pound 11 ounce peanut.  (I say peanut even though he was my biggest baby at that size.    My perfect little boy who in this picture was too little to fill out a preemie onesie.  

It wasn't May of 2010 that I really started to see the bigger picture.    It was after Dallas, my oldest son, had his birthday and had been given some gift certificates to go and spend.  We went to Toys R Us, because there was a particular toy that he was after.   I talked with the other three kids a head of time, and told them that Dallas was going to be the only one getting something, that I didn't have the cash to get them all a toy, and the reason he was getting something was because he'd had his birthday, and had birthday money to spend.  I also told them that when it was their birthday chances were they'd have money to spend as well, and we could do this same thing for them.   At that time, my twins were 4, almost 5, and Gabe was 7, almost 8.   Everyone assured me they understood, so off we went.   Dallas picked out his present, and that's the moment my world came a little more into focus.   My twins were excited for Dallas, and couldn't wait to help him check out the new toy, and Gabriel threw an out and out temper tantrum right there in the middle of the store.    I looked at him, and tried to remind him of the conversation that we had outside the store.   But all he could see was that he wasn't getting a toy, and that it wasn't fair, and "what about him."  That moment shook me to my core. 

Gabe had been seeing a psychologist at school for over a year at the recommendation of his doctors, to see if we could get some help with the incompresis (soiling).  I requested a meeting with her to discuss what happened, and that's when she sprung it on me.  She was suggesting that Gabe be sent for an evaluation "to get the bigger picture."   I sat there, in her office, in my children's school, and couldn't think.   All I knew was that no matter what the bigger picture was, it didn't matter to me.   Gabe is what matters, and he is who he is and how he is and that is why we love him.

I took her referral and her suggestions to heart, and called up Fraser, a local specialist in assessing Autism spectrum disorders.  The wait would be 8-10 months to get in.  But you know, I was OK with that.  It gave me time to process things and let me have time to open my eyes and see things around me that I'd simply never noticed before.   Like these "quirks" Gabe has, that now with the ASD thing thrown on the table shed a whole new perspective on:

• Gabe's view of the world is directly related to how everything affects him.   It doesn't matter to him how it will affect those around him, if it will bother him, its huge in his eyes.
• Gabe growls.  We always just took it as a weird quirk, but the more we watched it, the more we noticed just how much he was growling at his siblings rather than saying what he was feeling, or talking about. He growls when frustrated or angry the most.
• Gabe has an over the top attachment to his Niy.  Its his stuffed donkey that goes everywhere but school with him.  He rubs it on his face, bounces it in his hands, Niy talks to Gabe, he dresses him up, and Niy is often given more credit in things than Gabe's other siblings are.
• Gabe has very narrow interests.  He doesn't like super hero's.  He likes batman.  He doesn't like Star Wars. He likes Darth Vader.  He likes the colors blue and black.  He likes Donkeys. He likes kittens.  He likes Lego's.  He is happiest when these things are around him. He will talk most freely when its about these things.
• He's very loving....... as long as its in his time, in his way. 
• He's wicked smart with math. He's been able to do his brothers math for years now. 
• He has a TON of Lego's, and can tell you in the millions of pieces, just which ONE he's after.  And will search until he's found that exact piece.
• He can make the most amazing creations out of Lego's.  Seriously.  AMAZING!!!

Fraser was absolutely wonderful to work with.  They answered my questions at every turn, they met with me several times before they introduced Gabe to the mix, and on the day of our assessment they made sure that we were able to talk freely and openly about our concerns.   

Now that we know, the answer is really, where do we go from here?   Well, my first step has been to spend time to educate myself on all the ins and outs of Aspergers, and what this meas for Gabe, as well as for the rest of the family. 

 We're in an interesting situation right now...  We've opted not to tell Gabe or the other kids about the Aspergers at this time.    I know many people would disagree with this, but here's why we've done so:
1. Gabe takes things like this and runs with it as his favorite excuse for everything. 
2. The other kids have yet to realize that there's anything different about Gabe
3. We have yet to figure out how to tell him in a way he'll understand.

We don't want Gabe to think there's anything different about him yet.  We've made this decision with his psychologist, and feel that for the time being its the right decision for our family.   There will come a day where Gabe notices the difference, but for now he's blissfully unaware.   The other kids right now just treat him as "that's just who Gabe is, how Gabe is, and we're OK with that."   That's not to say that they won't have that same opinion when they know the diagnosis, but for now we too can leave them in the blissfully unaware category. 

With each day that passes, life with Gabe gets a little harder, and we're left finding ways to make things work, and to work for Gabe now that we know what the bigger picture is.   Its HARD!  He's HARD.   And because he looks normal on the outside many people just think we have a child who's a brat, or who doesn't know how to share.  They think we must spoil our kids because he's having a melt down in the middle of the store because he's not getting what he want.   Its just hard.  

We're currently working with the school to see if we can get him an IEP going so that he can get some help with the things in school that he's struggling with.  I don't know that this is actually going to happen, since he is above the norm with academics, and usually to get an IEP established there needs to be some form of academic need.   If the assessment shows he doesn't qualify, then we will likely go for the 504 plan (or is it 501?  All these new things I'm learning.  Many of which I was unaware of even 12 months ago.) so that there can be some accommodations for him in the class room. 

Life with Aspergers is nothing like I would have ever thought.   And I know how lucky we are, because he is on the mild end.   He can talk, he can share his feelings with us, he has his moments where he has empathy, he has his moments where he's totally and completely normal.  I know there are so many other families who struggle so much more so than we do.  Families who's biggest wish is simply to hear their child say "I love you."  And I know we're blessed with Gabe, regardless of the diagnosis.  But its not always easy to remember that when you're in the throws of battle every day with the ins and outs of a child with ASD.

I'm going back to school. . .. eeeeeeeeeek!!!

Its been 10 years since I've been in college. TEN YEARS. And here I stand on the edge of going back again, and I'm TERRIFIED. Utterly TERRIFIED. I've spent so much time on researching schools, and majors, and options. And finally I've come to one that seems to be the right fit. At least for now.

I've applied, taken the entrance exams (which I thought I would fail miserably, and instead placed right into the college courses. Exciting and scary all at the same time!! WOW), I've talked to financial aide and signed my life away, and today I go to register for my first quarter of classes. Today it all becomes official. I know what classes I'll take. When I'll be going to school. What will be on line, what will be in person. Did I mention I'm terrified? What on earth was I thinking???

I know that this has been our plan all along. Well, from the moment we made it official that I was going to be a stay at home mom for our kids. We knew that the day would come where they would all be in school and my best option would be to return to school myself. All of my certifications in the medical field had passed the year after I started staying home, so I'd be starting from scratch anyway. And that day is here. I'm done with the raising little babies part, and we're onto just growing them bigger now. And I'm working towards working outside the house again. . . .YIKES!!!!

So today is just another big step towards the end goal of two working parents. Today is a big step towards me becoming ME again. Not that I haven't enjoyed being home with my kids, don't get me wrong. But this is doing something for me. What a strange concept! The past ten years have been consumed with kids and everything associated with them. And now its my turn. Weird.

Onward and upward. . . or something like that.

I think my update yesterday leaves me at updating for October. Its crazy to me to think that we're already over half way through October. Time just FLIES!!!!! I remember as a kid thinking that the school year DRAGGED on and that each year was adequately enjoyed. But now that I am looking at it from a parental stand point it just goes so quickly! It seems that I blink my eyes and we're standing at yet another school year and my kids are yet another year older!!

I knew going into this school year that we were going to be facing some major sicknesses. Its the rule it seems, that when you send a new child into the germ infested cesspool big new world we call school that they are now exposed to all those new germs. When Dallas went off for the first time we dealt with large amounts of colds. When Gabe went each of my kids had pneumonia 2 times along with various other illnesses. This year I doubled my kids in school. Went from 2 to 4 and I just KNEW this year would be bad. Knew it. And I was right!!! Here's what we've had so far, in order:

Kendyl: Fever up to 103. Monitored her for the mandatory 24 hours, from Monday to Tuesday to see if it was a virus, and then took her in. Turns out it was a sinus infection. She was put on Amoxicillian and sent home. She suffered for the next 3 days with the fever having no relief. I was able to get her back in on that Saturday and they gave her new meds since it seemed that the sinus infection was past the point of working with the amoxicillian.

Dallas: The Sunday immediately following Kendyl's return trip to the doctor Dallas started with a fever of 102. I gave him his required 24 hours and wound up taking him into urgent care. They ran blood work on him to check his white count (which is ALWAYS fun when you have a child who has an extreme phobia of needles) they did an x ray and a strep test. The doctor said that she heard slight crackles in his lungs and called in pneumonia. I have a feeling it was more sinus infection than pneumonia since he sounded JUST like Kendyl. But whatever. He was put on meds and sent home. He was home until Wednesday, and then returned to school Thursday for picture day.

Kaleb: Picture day was a Thursday and it was the first day in almost a week and a half that I sent all the kids into school only to get a call at 9:30 am letting me know that I had to come and get Kaleb because he had pink eye. ON PICTURE DAY!!!!! I went in and sure enough, pink eye! And it was the day the fire trucks were at school which was doubly devastating for Kaleb since his lifelong dream has been to be a fireman. I got him ready to go and luckily his class was looking at the fire truck on our way out. So he got to shoot the hose and what not. Then they said they were planning to go right in for a picture. I opted to walk with Kaleb to get his done because once he smiled you didn't really see the pink. And then I had the OPTION for retakes rather than solely relying on it. I got Kaleb into the doc for that and they gave him drops.

Gabe: Thursday night that Kaleb had his pink eye pop up Gabe started with a fever of 103. It was the ONLY symptom he had and we just kept monitoring him. By Sunday he and Kaleb both had fevers and I made them an appointment. Poor Kaleb not only had the pink eye that wouldn't go away, but he had the fever. It was miserable. Monday I took them both in. Gabe tested positive for strep throat and was put on meds. He's allergic to amoxicillian so they put him on cefzil. Kaleb was given round two of drops for the pink eye, and give meds for strep as well. I had them both home Monday and Tuesday and was able finally sent all four kids back to school on Wednesday. Gabe made it through the day on Wednesday but came home really itchy. Right before dinner he was hives head to knee. It warranted a trip to urgent care yet again where we were told he is also allergic to cefzil He falls into the 5% of people who have an allergy to one who also are allergic to the other. The doctor told us to go home and the hives would go away. I was pretty concerned because he'd only been on meds for strep for 2 days. He said not to worry about it, and that just didn't feel right. The next morning I put a call into our regular pediatrician who said that my gut was right and that she felt he still needed some meds. So he was put on zithromax and spent the next 2 days home recuperating from the hives.

Needless to say I'm SICK of SICK!!!! I finally was able to send four mostly healthy kids to school on Monday of this week. I had ONE day for me. And then they've all been off this week for conferences and MEA break. AHHHHH! I need some time out I think!!!

In other news I'm going to be going back to college full time starting in January, and there's finally been some good news on the school front. I finally got word that all the classes I took when I went to college 10 years ago are still going to be good and that I can use them towards going back to school now! WOOOO HOOOOO! This is going to save SO much money! And time!! Also I found out if I go to the same school I went to then that I don't even need to reapply! More savings!!! I'll be going for a meeting next week to get all the exact answers and clarify what I will need to do, and what classes I'll need to take. But its sounding very much like I'm going to be going back into the nursing end of things! I tried to chase my dream and become an ultrasound tech, only to find out that in the last 6 months of schooling they would most likely relocate me to someplace like Texas or Florida for six months. That's just NOT an option for me. So now we're onto a different path!!!

There's always something happening, something coming up, and something to look forward to around here!!!

A gentle reminder!

So, I got a gentle reminder today that I should update my blog. In that moment I realized just how long its been since I've been here and updated. Since February. FEBRUARY!! So I went back and reread that post. And it was almost comical to look back on that time and think of how much has happened in that time. How many moments that life seemed to spin almost totally out of control and I thought I was going to lose it. How many happy, memorable moments happened with my kids. How many hugs were shared, how many tears were shed, and how many things I could have and should have written down so I didn't for them them. All those little moments. Wow. Its overwhelming to think about all that's gone on between now and then. I think that the easiest way to catch up today will be with some pictures. Pictures of the kids, pictures of us, pictures of life.

I think I'll go month by month through the pictures. . .

February:
In February we were given free tickets to a rodeo. Dallas was the only one of the kiddos that wanted to go so we had a date night out with just him! He wanted to "cowboy up" for it and of course his daddy couldn't have been happier!!!




In February we also finished off our basement. The goal was to have it done before the big birthday party for Todd! Its nice to have an extra space for the kids to get away to, and also nice to have the organization for their toys!!!
March. . .
March didn't have many big events in it. My in laws got a new trampoline so we headed out to check that out. And of course, the biggest kid of them all had to check it out first!!!





April. . .
April of course brings Easter, but for me, it also brought a new camera! My cousin Janelle was getting rid of some of her old cameras. She's a professional photographer and they were simply too outdated for her to use. She was so generous and gave me a Nikon d70. I've had a lot of fun taking pictures with it, and it really gives me the itch to get a newer camera one day!!! The pictures from here out have been with that camera!! They're AWESOME if I do say so myself!!!





Also, over the winter the kids were in swimming lessons. My kids are FISH! They LOVE to swim. (much like their mommy!)

Dallas has flown through the levels, and is just 2 levels away from being to the "Jr. Lifesaving" level! He enjoys his time in the water and has even been told by his instructors that he'd be great for competitive swimming some day!! Its probably the only "sport" we've found that he enjoys!!Gabriel has gained A LOT of confidence in the water over the last year. He went from being afraid to put his head under the water to being a little boy we have to drag out of the water kicking and screaming!! He's very much looking forward to lessons starting up again this winter.
Kaleb and Kendyl have always been fearless when it comes to the water, and they LOVE being in swimming together!! This picture just cracks me up. ..matching wedgees!! lol Twins!

In the beginning of April, Todd also started a new job. He went from being a maintenance man on the same property for over 8 years to now he's the manager at a sister property! It was quite the adjustment for our family and really threw him for a loop. The learning curve was much higher than he expected and there really wasn't a good training done for him. He's started to settle in and is doing a wonderful job! It has meant no more on call for him which has been WONDERFUL!! It means he doesn't have to get up at 2 am to go snake out someones toilet, or leaving at 4 am because someone is locked out!!!



May...
May saw Dallas turning Nine. NINE!!! I can't believe I'm old enough to have a NINE year old! Really? It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that he was born! He's such an amazing little man. He has such a good heart and he is SO smart! This little boy LOVES to read! He's recently demolished all 7 of the Harry Potter books. And it only took him 3 months! Here he is on his birthday:





We made him a special "cake" for his birthday! Needless to say all the kids were excited to have a treat like this! Cupcakes are usually something reserved for a very special treat!!In May I finally got to put some PICTURES on my walls!! This was HUGE for me! I hate blank walls but I wanted the right thing to go on them. IN April my cousin took pictures of my kiddos and they were just what i needed for my walls!!!

In Mid April, Kaleb and Kendyl graduated from preschool! Man does time fly!!!


This is Kaleb and Kendyl with their favorite teacher Ms. R. She was AWESOME!!

June...

June brought the last days of school for Dallas and Gabe, and the reality that in just a couple short months i would have four kids in school. Do you know how crazy it was to think about that??? FOUR KIDS IN SCHOOL!! I would go from being a full time at home mommy wondering what the future would hold to being a full time mommy having to officially figure out what to do and what path to take!!!!





At the very end of June Kendyl also learned how to ride without training wheels! She is learned the very youngest of any of our kids!! The boys didn't learn until they were 6! But she wanted a bike with no training wheels for her birthday, and she accomplished it!!!

July...

July is always a CRAZY busy month for us, with three of the four kids birthdays!!!! On the 8th Gabe had his golden birthday and turned 8 years old!!!

We spent the day swimming in the pool we bought for our yard (BEST MONEY SPENT EVER!)


And had cupcakes with the cousins!!!

We finished off the night at the school launching some rockets that we've had for a while! Gabe had an AWESOME day!!! All summer long we watched the local hawks! They had a nest right across the street from us and provided many hours of viewing pleasure!! This is the last day they were in the neighborhood and were in a tree over our driveway! They even sat on my van for a while! I'm hoping they come back next year since it was an awesome learning experience for the kids and even the adults!!
This was the cake we made for Gabe's birthday party!! I think it turned out AWESOME!!!
Birthday boy and his cake!
Kaleb and Kendyl the day they turned FIVE!!!

Kendyl's birthday cakeKaleb's birthday cake

My kids sure are growing up so fast!!!


August.. .

The big event in August was our week long vacation at my parents camper. We had a wonderful time and it was really just what we needed as a family. To be together, on our first ever alone vacation. We didn't have any one else to worry about except the 6 of us (well, and the three dogs!) and it was AWESOME!!!













September. . .

September brought all four of my kids going to school!! And believe it or not, this mommy made it through the first double day of kindergarten tear free!!! I think the fact that there was all kinds of ciaos surrounding the morning helped that out though! lol



The other thing that September brought was a trip to "Down on the Farm". It was an awesome chance for my kids to get face to face with some animals they wouldn't normally get to see lving in the city. The LOVED it! All of my kids were able to ride horses alone! They thought that was super cool! It just proved to Todd and I how much we really want to get out of the city and into country living!!!!

This picture right here just makes me smile. Because this is honest to goodness who my husband is a heart.





Life has been full of twists and turns and stops along the way, but its been quite a ride that's for sure!!!

I am going to try to come back tomorrow and update on things in October!!!!